We’ve all been there before, yelling at our kids or disciplining them because it’s the right thing to do, only to have your heart hurting on the inside because you love them so much you don’t want to yell at them or make them sad or mad. Even the toughest of moms will agree that looking at your child with that sad face or when they’re crying is definitely something that tugs at the heart.
I’m actually a tough mom myself. I’ll admit right out that I HATE crying. I’ve never been one to cry and I do believe crying should be left for babies. Sure if there’s a really sad moment, like a tragic event in your life, then yes, cry away, but being too sensitive is something I’m not very comfortable with. What luck I have though, because Baby Girl is a sensitive person. She often will cry or tear up when you yell at her or if she knows she’s done something wrong. I try to tell her that she’s a Big Girl and that she shouldn’t be crying, if something is upsetting her then just say so or be upset about it, but there’s no need to cry.
Anyways, the point is, I really hate those moments where you have to yell at your child. I’ll tell you that out of the two of us, I’m the disciplinarian and The Hubbi is the softie. I have to yell at Baby Girl when she’s done something wrong and discipline her when she’s misbehaving, yes, The Hubbi does his share too, but he usually gives into her, where as I tend to hold on to things. I just never learned how to be upset at someone and then forget about it the next minute. And each time I have to yell at her, I’m very upset at the moment and she needs to learn what’s right and wrong, but after that, I feel terrible and my heart aches because I made her sad. Then I always think about how she will turn out in the future. What kind of person will she become? Will she believe that her mother doesn’t care and all she does is yell at her and ignore her? So many thoughts run through my head and it makes me wonder if I’m a good mother and if I’m doing the right thing.
It’s especially hard when I’m trying to teach her. Baby Girl has extra homework after school that she needs to do because we’re trying to push her up to the level she is supposed to be at, and it is a struggle not to get frustrated with her. Right now, she is learning how to read and it gets so tiring and irritating when she can’t recognize words she’s seen hundreds of times and then she guesses with random words, hoping that’s it. I get upset and I yell, she gets sad and tears up, and my heart breaks inside, even though I’m fuming on the inside.
Why must parenting be so hard?!?!
All I want to do is love her and make her happy. I want to see her smile and laugh and play and enjoy the things we provide for her. But then I know by doing that, I’m spoiling her. I need to make her do things that she has to do, because that’s what life is about, some things we just have to do, whether we like it or not, which I guess also applies to this whole dilemma. I’m trying to work on my whole anger issue and maybe try to be a little more lenient on Baby Girl, but then, where do you draw the line? You have to be firm and tough so your kid grows up right, but you also have to be loving and attentive so your kid doesn’t feel neglected and end up a troubled person. I just don’t know…
It’s crazy how your kids can work your nerves and make you want to pull all your hair out, but you still love them, want them to be happy, yearn for their kisses and hugs, and hope they’ll be a good and successful person someday.