So, in case you missed the news, I announced last Saturday the results of my ultrasound appt.
So, here we go…
My initial reaction was “Damn! Again?!”. Really, it was.
I’ll admit right from the get-go that I’ve always wanted a boy. Why, you ask? I don’t know. That’s just what I’ve always wanted. When BG1 came along, surprisingly, I welcomed her with loving arms, of course, but in the back of my mind I knew we’d try again eventually and I’d get my boy. Then when we decided to try for BG2 and she turned out to be girl, I’ll admit again that I was starting to get a bit worried that odds weren’t in our favor. But, we knew we’d eventually try again.
The Hubbi and I have discussed how many kids we’ve wanted, at length, and it’s always been around three or four. With how our lives are now and how we see it going in the next five years or so, we finally settled on trying just one more time. Even though I love our family of four, I felt like we could go at it just once more and yearning for another baby was pretty strong, so I knew it was the right thing to do for our family.
I’ll be the first to tell you we were definitely trying hard for that boy. I read up on methods, foods, etc. I even asked for advice from those who kept pushing out boys like they were gumballs. We set the stage and let nature take its course. The funny thing was, I think I was just so ready to be pregnant again, when I actually was, I didn’t even think about its gender. As the weeks went by I bounced back and forth between wanting a boy or a girl, of course, and we had lengthy discussions about what it’d be like with either. When it got down to it, I could honestly tell people that while a part of me obviously wanted a boy, I would be happy with either, as long as it’s healthy.
Sidenote: I’m generally a worry wart/anxious person, so even though this was my third pregnancy and I have two healthy children, I still had my concerns about whether or not things were going smoothly with this one. You can never tell.
Anyways, so when we went into the ultrasound appointment, I paid close attention to what the technician was measuring, making sure to ask if everything looked good and on track. When it came time for the gender reveal and she said it was going to be a girl, well, I told you my initial reaction. That was followed by some head-shaking, then some “well, at least she’s healthy” thoughts, then some “where are all of Hubbi’s boy sperm at?” thoughts, then some “we can live with this”, and just stuff along those lines.
I was discussing this with the Hubbi on the day of the ultrasound actually. More than anything, I think I’m just sad thinking about what I’ll (and the Hubbi will) miss out on. Shopping for boys’ clothes. Having my son accidentally pee on me while changing his diaper. Discussing the pros and cons of circumsion. Seeing how different his personality is and taking care of him would be like from the girls. Never being able to use the one boy name I’ve loved since I was a teenager dreaming of what my family would be like. Having a Hubbi “mini-me”. Having someone for the Hubbi to enjoy and play sports with. And many other things I’ll never know I’m missing out on.
Also, dealing with all the “awww, another girl” comments, “are you gonna try again?” questions, and the looks of disappointment/sadness from some family members (especially my mother – it’s an Asian thing) – that’s always going to be there and it hurts because I understand where they’re coming from, but also because it makes me hurt for my daughter.
Regardless, I processed this information all day that day, letting myself feel all the emotions, say what I wanted to, think what I wanted to – just let it all out, because I knew, after that, I just had to face the reality that this is what the world has decided to bless my family with and I’m not going to diss that. I’m learning to be okay with this, to be happy with it actually, and I know for a fact that when my baby girl gets here, I won’t even care about the fact that I’ll never have a son.
A lot of people might think I’m being selfish or ungrateful, but I really don’t think I am. I believe with all my heart that I’m allowed to grieve, lament, be disappointed or even a little mad that having a son is not in the cards for me. When you want something so much and for so long, it’s only natural to feel this way, at least in my opinion.
Sometimes I think to myself, I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to look at those who’ve had two girls and then a boy, with envy, thinking that it could’ve been me. I don’t want to WANT this, especially when I think of others less fortunate than us.
But, I do. And I need to know that that’s okay. I need to know that it’s okay to feel blessed for what you’ve been given, but to also feel sad for what you’ll never have. I want to believe it is and it’s an internal struggle I deal with every day.
Will I love this little girl any less? Of course not.
Will I treat her any differently just because she’s not the little boy I’ve always dreamed about? Hell no.
Will I be the best damn mother I can be to her and treat her with the same love and respect as I do her siblings? You better believe I will.
My heart might always have that boy-shaped hole tucked way, way in the backside of it, but I know it will be overshadowed by the overflowing joy and love that these three girls have and will bring to my life.
So give me my moment to vent. Don’t judge me for wanting what I do. And praise me for letting it all out and being the best mother I can be for my children.