Coming to Terms with Never Having a Son

April 1, 2014 On My Mind, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Diary 17

So, in case you missed the news, I announced last Saturday the results of my ultrasound appt.

So, here we go…

My initial reaction was “Damn! Again?!”. Really, it was.

I’ll admit right from the get-go that I’ve always wanted a boy. Why, you ask? I don’t know. That’s just what I’ve always wanted. When BG1 came along, surprisingly, I welcomed her with loving arms, of course, but in the back of my mind I knew we’d try again eventually and I’d get my boy. Then when we decided to try for BG2 and she turned out to be girl, I’ll admit again that I was starting to get a bit worried that odds weren’t in our favor. But, we knew we’d eventually try again.

The Hubbi and I have discussed how many kids we’ve wanted, at length, and it’s always been around three or four. With how our lives are now and how we see it going in the next five years or so, we finally settled on trying just one more time. Even though I love our family of four, I felt like we could go at it just once more and yearning for another baby was pretty strong, so I knew it was the right thing to do for our family.

I’ll be the first to tell you we were definitely trying hard for that boy. I read up on methods, foods, etc. I even asked for advice from those who kept pushing out boys like they were gumballs. We set the stage and let nature take its course. The funny thing was, I think I was just so ready to be pregnant again, when I actually was, I didn’t even think about its gender. As the weeks went by I bounced back and forth between wanting a boy or a girl, of course, and we had lengthy discussions about what it’d be like with either. When it got down to it, I could honestly tell people that while a part of me obviously wanted a boy, I would be happy with either, as long as it’s healthy.

Sidenote: I’m generally a worry wart/anxious person, so even though this was my third pregnancy and I have two healthy children, I still had my concerns about whether or not things were going smoothly with this one. You can never tell.

Anyways, so when we went into the ultrasound appointment, I paid close attention to what the technician was measuring, making sure to ask if everything looked good and on track. When it came time for the gender reveal and she said it was going to be a girl, well, I told you my initial reaction. That was followed by some head-shaking, then some “well, at least she’s healthy” thoughts, then some “where are all of Hubbi’s boy sperm at?” thoughts, then some “we can live with this”, and just stuff along those lines.

I was discussing this with the Hubbi on the day of the ultrasound actually. More than anything, I think I’m just sad thinking about what I’ll (and the Hubbi will) miss out on. Shopping for boys’ clothes. Having my son accidentally pee on me while changing his diaper. Discussing the pros and cons of circumsion. Seeing how different his personality is and taking care of him would be like from the girls. Never being able to use the one boy name I’ve loved since I was a teenager dreaming of what my family would be like. Having a Hubbi “mini-me”. Having someone for the Hubbi to enjoy and play sports with. And many other things I’ll never know I’m missing out on.

Also, dealing with all the “awww, another girl” comments, “are you gonna try again?” questions, and the looks of disappointment/sadness from some family members (especially my mother – it’s an Asian thing) – that’s always going to be there and it hurts because I understand where they’re coming from, but also because it makes me hurt for my daughter.

Regardless, I processed this information all day that day, letting myself feel all the emotions, say what I wanted to, think what I wanted to – just let it all out, because I knew, after that, I just had to face the reality that this is what the world has decided to bless my family with and I’m not going to diss that. I’m learning to be okay with this, to be happy with it actually, and I know for a fact that when my baby girl gets here, I won’t even care about the fact that I’ll never have a son.

A lot of people might think I’m being selfish or ungrateful, but I really don’t think I am. I believe with all my heart that I’m allowed to grieve, lament, be disappointed or even a little mad that having a son is not in the cards for me. When you want something so much and for so long, it’s only natural to feel this way, at least in my opinion.

Sometimes I think to myself, I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to look at those who’ve had two girls and then a boy, with envy, thinking that it could’ve been me. I don’t want to WANT this, especially when I think of others less fortunate than us.

But, I do. And I need to know that that’s okay. I need to know that it’s okay to feel blessed for what you’ve been given, but to also feel sad for what you’ll never have. I want to believe it is and it’s an internal struggle I deal with every day.

Will I love this little girl any less? Of course not.

Will I treat her any differently just because she’s not the little boy I’ve always dreamed about? Hell no.

Will I be the best damn mother I can be to her and treat her with the same love and respect as I do her siblings? You better believe I will.

My heart might always have that boy-shaped hole tucked way, way in the backside of it, but I know it will be overshadowed by the overflowing joy and love that these three girls have and will bring to my life.

So give me my moment to vent. Don’t judge me for wanting what I do. And praise me for letting it all out and being the best mother I can be for my children.

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17 Responses to “Coming to Terms with Never Having a Son”

  1. Giselle

    I don’t think it’s selfish, I had a friend go through this too so I understand how you’re feeling. And don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being sad about it. You will love your new little girl just as much but it’s ok to grieve for the boy you hoped with all your heart you would get you know. But congrats on your pregnancy and new bundle of joy! I don’t think I knew – or maybe I did but forgot >.< I wanted to have 3 kids too but when my first was the worst sleeper (and I mean no sleep at night more than 40 mins at a time then up 2 hours, no naps in the day at ALL, not even in the car bc of reflux!) for a whole year it was just pure torture (no one understand sleep deprivation until you live it!) that I don't think I can mentally handle again, so I think we'll be sticking with one. Still, I'm sad that I won't have a big family like yours, and I know that it's only one year and it gets better, but that year really took something out of me that not many understand. People can be so quick to judge, especially when they haven't been in our shoes. Just know that some know exactly what you're going through and it's okay to feel that way! <3
    Giselle recently posted…Review: The Last Forever by Deb CalettiMy Profile

    • Vi

      Thank you so much for this! This is exactly what I needed to hear. I’m expecting people to judge me, but yeah, I don’t really care, because I know I’m allowed my time to grieve for what I’ll never have. It won’t chance my love for the baby though. And thanks, haha. I completely understand you’re wanting to stop at one. My second one was pretty crazy with during the nights and pretty back reflux, too. But, in my heart, I knew I wanted to have just one more. I hate it when people judge something they know nothing about. I can only imagine the mental and emotional stress you went through that year. You’re the best and thanks for your words of comfort. Hugs!

    • Vi

      Yeah, I just had to let it all out, have my moment and now I feel loads better and am ready for the new addition, haha. Thanks!

  2. Tricia

    It’s so hard, isn’t it? The ultimate lack of control! We can’t help but want what we want and yes, of course we always want our babies to be healthy but we also can’t help but want what we want. I get it. But congrats on your growing family!
    Tricia recently posted…We worryMy Profile

    • Vi

      Exactly! It just sucks knowing you can’t have something, but I let it all out here and am feeling much better about things. Can’t wait to meet my little girl! Thanks!

  3. Shell

    I think most moms of all girls or all boys goes through exactly what you are describing. Some of them just don’t admit it because they worry what others will say… but I think it’s totally normal to have these feelings.

    When we found out our third was another boy, I needed time to adjust to the idea of never having a girl, since I knew we were done. I love all my boys to pieces and I wouldn’t trade them for a girl. But I had to let go of the idea of having the three of them PLUS a girl.

    At this point, since my youngest is 5 and we are positive we are done having babies, I really have made peace with it. Even though occasionally, I’ll look at one of my nieces and wish I was more than just an auntie to a little girl, I really wouldn’t want to have any more, even if I was somehow guaranteed a girl.
    Shell recently posted…Lighting a Candle in RemembranceMy Profile

    • Vi

      Yeah, I remember your post about having all boys and your acceptance of it. It was definitely an inspiration for this post. I’m slowly making my peace with it, haha. Thanks!

  4. Jenna // A Mama Collective

    Vi… man. Do I hear you. I’ve got three beautiful, precious girls who I love with everything inside of my heart. But a boy?! That’s what I ALWAYS dreamed of. And I don’t have him. I don’t feel like our family is missing someone, but I do know that I felt the exact same way you did when we found out the third time. You aren’t wrong for any of these feelings. You are an incredible mother for saying all of the things you said. I’m in awe of your honesty and truth. Thank you. ~Jenna // A Mama Collective
    Jenna // A Mama Collective recently posted…Social Media Effects on My Mothering :: 13/52My Profile

    • Vi

      Your comment right here, is the best thing ever! You know exactly what I’m going through and thanks for the words of encouragement. I def don’t want people to think I love my girls any less. THanks for this!

  5. Kim

    I do agree it’s okay to be upset but I have to admit that I often can’t help but be annoyed when moms are disappointed by things like this. You have been blessed with not one, but three, little miracles. Those of us who have tried for awhile with no success sit back and feel a little bitter toward moms who complain about not getting the gender they want when they’ve already been blessed with one or two or even three miracles.

    I’m at the point now where I’ve mostly accepted that parenthood is not likely to be in our future but it still stings a little bit when I read things like this.
    Kim recently posted…Who or What Defines a Writer?My Profile

    • Vi

      I understand where you’re coming from and I agree, I am really blessed and I know there are others struggling for what I have. I look at my daughters, at my family everyday and think how lucky I am. I definitely had to get this out and release myself from all these emotions, and after letting it all go, I’m so thrilled to be having another girl and I hope everything goes smoothly.

  6. Merlinda (@pixiedusk)

    I have a son and it was wonderful. But I know that having a girl is the same. At the end of the day we have so many things that we want but we didnt but that doesnt mean we cant enjoy what we have. Thanks for sharing an honest blog post. It is always nice to see real people writing real emotions =) #SITSSharefest
    Merlinda (@pixiedusk) recently posted…My Sunday PhotoMy Profile

    • Vi

      Right?! You can’t help but want what you want. It was helpful for me to get it out though and move on from this. I’m so happy that I’m having another girl and I can’t wait to meet her! Thanks for stopping by!

  7. Nereyda @Mostly YA Book Obsessed

    I know this is old but I saw the link in your post and had to read it…
    You’re brave for writing this! I’ve always wanted to kids and I have two girls and I know I’m done. I love my family like this, even if I don’t have a boy. (out of 6 grandkids, my sister had the only boy)
    I don’t think I feel the same way as you, I’ve always thought a boy would be fun too but I don’t want to try for a third.
    What bothers me is other people’s comments. I hate when people ask me if I’m gonna keep trying for a boy or some other dumb comment. My MIL (who I love) does that a lot and it drives me crazy!
    I’ve seen your baby posts and you can tell you love your little girl so much, it must have felt good to get this out 🙂

    -PS, I’m annoyed at that lady who tried to make you feel bad in the comments. You handled that WAY better than I would have!
    Nereyda @Mostly YA Book Obsessed recently posted…Waiting On Wednesday (134)!My Profile

    • Vi

      Lol, yeah I agree. I try not to be too bitchy when it comes to comments. For stuff like this post, there’s always gonna be hate. And yes, I look back at this post sometimes and I’m happy I got it out, which is why I love my blog, because now I feel like my family is complete.

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