A letter to my last child…
Ever since you were born, it seems like the world loves you less than the others. Because a few have come before you, your presence is like “old news” to everyone around us and it pains me to think like that, but the truth has been a nagging ache in the back of my head for quite some time now. The differences may be subtle to others, but to me, your mother, it’s jarring. Just because you were third in line, does not mean you deserve any less attention. Just because you’re “yet another girl” does not mean you deserve any less love and affection.
No matter. I will love you more.
I will love more than words can ever describe. I will shower you with all the attention you will ever need or desire. I will make up for the lack thereof in your life and make sure you don’t even know it’s missing. Because I wanted you. I planned for you. I dreamed of you. I will never let you think for one second that you are not loved just as equally as your sisters. Even though it may seem like they have more than you, it’s only because they’ve been around longer.
You may get all the hand-me-downs, but know that it’s simply a reflection of practicality and the fact that your parents aren’t exactly financially stable. Such is the way of my life, unfortunately. I hope that you won’t feel the difference, just as long as all your needs are met.
Your parties may have less people at them, but it has more to do with your sad excuse for a mother who can’t seem to hold onto a friend to save her life and whose family, outside the five of us, isn’t that great of a family. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you, because you are beautiful. You are perfect. You are so special and significant and if your mother were a better person who knew how to socialize and form lasting relationships, you’d have hundreds of people celebrating each of your life events. For that, I am truly sorry. I will do my best to make sure that our family gives you all that you need so that you feel loved and appreciated. I don’t ever want you to feel like you don’t matter.
You matter. You are a blessing in my life and I know you’re bound for amazing things in this world.
This may just be all in my head, but it brings me peace of mind to shout it out to the heavens that you are whole-heartedly loved, wanted, and appreciated. Please don’t ever feel like you are “less” and never doubt the endless, insurmountable love that has been directed toward you since the night I found out I was pregnant with you.
I will love you enough. Sometimes I will love you too much.
You will not want for anything in this life and everything you want, I will strive my hardest to make sure you get. Whether it’s through physical efforts while you’re young or through support and encouragement when you’re older, you won’t feel the absence, the “lesserness” that I feel you’re being dealt.
I will show this to you one day and explain to you my thoughts and feelings and I hope that you’ll look at me with a WTF look because you’ll have no idea why I felt this way. You’ll wonder and go, “But mom, I never felt anything else but truly loved all my life” and then I’ll know that whatever this is that I’m feeling will have all been inside my head.
Because I have loved you more. I do love you more. I will love you more. Always, my baby girl.