As you might have noticed, I’ve been a little bit absent on the blog and on social media lately. Things have been very depressing and emotional for me lately and honestly, I’ve been feeling all kinds of lost and dejected. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going and that’s seriously affected my state of mind.
So, I’m sure I mentioned this a few times in the past, but I finally graduated Medical School in June. That means I’m done with classes and with clerkships. I won’t have to travel for extended periods of time and life has just been so much more free since then. It took me basically six years to finish, which isn’t ideal since it’s only supposed to be four years. Granted, I had two babies in those six years, but it’s also due to my unexceptional testing skills. This has been an issue with me for years. I’m excellent on the field and in class, but when it comes to test-taking, I just don’t have what it takes.
What does that mean for my career? Well, to put it bluntly, I may have graduated, but I’m still not licensed. This licensing exam is truly kicking my butt and things are kind of up in the air right now about what I’m going to do. I’m honestly so tired of this career path/choice and if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t have chosen this path. That’s an issue for another day, but for now, this part of my life is at a standstill.
Like I said, I’ve been feeling all kinds of depressed and emotional lately, mostly due to school and how I don’t know what’s going on there. It kind of leads into the whole “I don’t know what I want to do with my life” thing. If being a doctor doesn’t work out for me, then what will I do with my life? I’ve been so focused on becoming a doctor for SO long, I don’t know anything else. I don’t know what I like or what I’m good at and this has been a hot topic I’ve discussed with those close to me for the longest time. I think I reached a breaking point a couple of weeks ago where I seriously took a look at my life and was like “WTH am I doing?!”.
I love my family and they’re seriously the only good thing in my life, so of course I feel blessed in that aspect, but that’s it. That feels like the only good thing in my life.
I haven’t truly worked in years. School is done but hasn’t amounted to anything. I’ve alienated myself from everyone so much so that I honestly don’t have any friends IRL. It broke my heart that I someone I thought was my best friend basically cut me out of her life without any explanation and it truly made me feel like shit. I know I’m not the most open/out-going person, but I’ve always tried to be friendly and caring. For those I value, I treat them as such and even with all that’s going on in my life, I make it a point to make those I care about a priority. Unfortunately, that is usually not the case for me and with this one friend, I tried to overlook it, but all signs pointed to her basically saying “I’m done with you, Vi”.
I’m really overweight and it makes me not want to do anything or go anywhere. I haven’t felt comfortable in my own skin for years. I’ve also lost interest in pretty much everything. My reading has taken a major bump and I haven’t been able to fully enjoy any book for weeks. Oh, I’ll watch TV, but it’s mostly just mindless shows that serve as background noise. Not even music brightens my mood lately. I had so many goals and ideas of what “being 30” was going to be like, and it’s not shaping out that way at all.
All of that negativity and fear of the unknown has truly messed with my head, but it’s not like I can wallow in self-pity. I’ve slowly but surely been trying to pull myself out of this funk and turn my life around. I hate not having control of things and feeling like I life is pointless.
Probably the simplest thing and the thing I feel like I have the most control over is my house. For the past month, I have undergone a major de-cluttering. It’s been years since I’ve done anything like this and it showed because I threw away so much junk that was taking up way too much space in the house. We had a yard sale, which didn’t amount to anything, but it didn’t bother me. I ended up donating like ten boxes of clothes to Big Brothers Big Sisters of America and then like 5 more trash bags filled with clothes to other donation bins around our neighborhood. OMG, that was such a weight off my shoulders when I did that.
I also got rid of all the toys, books, and DVDs that I forgot we even had. They have been sitting in boxes for years. Of course, our house is still littered with toys, but at least I know they’re toys the girls actually play with. In the end, we threw a lot of toys away, but we also gave a lot to my niece and I have two bags full of unopened toys that we’re going to donate to Toys for Tots this year.
It took a lot of effort and time, but in the end, I honestly feel so much lighter and freer when I look at my house and my life (in this aspect) I think of all that I’ve removed from it. My garage is empty and I actually have shelves with nothing on them!
I also recently decided that I can kind of control my weight and body, so I’m giving 21 Day Fix a try. My hope is that I get back to my pre-baby weight/body by next summer. Since I only want to lose like 30-40lbs, I’m hoping that’s doable. I definitely haven’t been happy with my body for years now and that’s prevented me from going out in public unless I absolutely have to. I can’t tell you the countless times the Hubs has had social events and I backed out because I don’t want to be seen. It makes me sad that people always ask where I’m at, and in the past it was mostly due to the fact that I was away for school, but when I am in town, I just don’t have it in me to be seen in public. So far, the program has been okay. It’s not a life-changer or anything, but with the way my lifestyle is, it’s better than nothing.
Probably the biggest change in my life is that I finally have a job! It’s only a part-time job, but it’s with a doctor and I get to interact with patients and be in that setting. It’s nothing big, but it’s a start. Because I still have a smidgen of hope that I can make something of myself in the medical field, I need to stay in the field some way, so this is a good start until I figure things out. Plus, it means I’ll finally start making some money, which has been a serious issue for me over the years because how can you be a mother and not financially provide for your family in some way or another?! Trust me, I’ve battled with the guilt for years. Hopefully with this job and working part-time at the nail salon while my mother is away for her yearly vacation will help with the bills for now.
So yeah, the first half of this year has been pretty terrible for me mentally and emotionally. Because of that and my thoughts on the blog and my online presence (to be discussed in another post), things have been all over the place for me. Add all this to the upcoming holidays, and I know I’m going to be pretty scarce and disconnected. I really don’t see that changing anytime soon, but I hope you’ll all bear with me.
I’m hoping that with my new job and my working on my body I can get to a place where I feel normal again and maybe start 2016 fresh. I’m trying to tackle one thing at a time and rediscover what I love and what will make me happy.
If you made it all the way to the end, thanks for giving me your time. I love each and every one of you that continue to support me. I’ll try to find my way back.